Confessions

There was a time not so long ago, that I was seriously considering starting a different blog.  I actually daydreamed about it a few times.  While dreaming, I imagined my new blog being completely anonymous.  None of my readers would know who I was, so I would be able to confess my inner most thoughts freely.  Because of my stupid fear of being too open and worrying about what others think, I've screened what I've shared on this blog.  Please don't think that I have a secret life that I'm dying to confess to the world and that the seminary wife persona is just a front.  Usually what you see with me is what you get.  But there are just some things that you don't talk about on a blog, right?  Especially when you know that your father is an avid reader.  

But what if?  What if I wanted to confess to the blog world that I haven't mopped my floor in a really long time - I've only spot cleaned.  Gasp!

Or that my husband has one shirt in particular that I would love to accidently burn.  (You still look hot in anything you wear, Baby - I just wouldn't miss that shirt).

Or there are times that I want to complain about that thing at the end of sentences{.}  We can just call it T@EOS, because the real word makes my sister cringe.  She's a reader too.  Actually most of my readers come from her blog, and she's probably mortified that I am even giving this much attention to T@EOS.  I actually have a lack of T@EOS, which makes my hormones wacko (read: I'm a crazy woman) and my girls, hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks.  Obviously I don't talk about these things because I don't know where to draw the line.  I should have warned my father to stop reading a long time ago.  (Maybe I'll venture to this territory more later?) 

But sometimes I really want to talk about emotional things.  How I've struggled with depression.  How I've been angry with God.  And how there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about our sweet baby in heaven.  What if I confessed that I cried on the way to work yesterday?  I cried at work yesterday.  And then I cried on the way home.  Are you aware that it's August?  I'm scared to wonder if some of my family even remember what that means to us.  I want to talk about these things desperately, but what are you going to think of me when I tell you that it's been kinda ugly around here behind closed doors?  My husband has been amazing support, but we don't have it all together.  I'm not going to pretend like we do.  

This was the cruel reminder that I got in the mail the other day that I should have been planning our baby's first birthday party.  Thank you Enfamil Formula.

And I caught a glimpse of this hanging in my closet the other day too.  It usually hangs in Brad's closet, but I think it ended up in mine after the last move.  That sweet little outfit has dried more tears than any mother should have to cry.  

I don't know why I'm choosing to make these confessions now.  I'm sure Brad will immediately wonder which purple and white shirt I was talking about, and my sister will claim that T@EOS doesn't bother her that bad.  I've even said in the past that I would share more about this journey.  But somewhere along the way it hasn't turned out like I imagined it would.  (Does it ever?) I thought we would have a baby by now, or at least one on the way.  

Through the wonderful world of blogging, I have found several others who are walking through the same trials that we have faced.  It helps me to read their stories, and maybe somewhere down the road, my story can help some one else.  I really do want to share more about our journey to starting a family, and what we've been through, and what else we are willing to do.   But tonight I just felt the need to confess, and I didn't want to do it to an audience who didn't know me.  

Thanks for listening.

Annnnddd, if you ever come across an anonymous blog and she uses the word T@EOS, has dirty floors, and shares TMI, you can say "I think I know that crazy girl"....