January 12, 2009. I think it is odd what I seem to remember about that day. I don’t remember whether it was a clear and bright day, or whether the sun was hiding behind the clouds. Though, I do remember that it was cold, very cold. But Brad’s arms were so warm as they held me.
I don’t remember exactly what he kept saying to me, but I do know I was trying to concentrate on breathing—and putting one foot in front of the other so we could make it to the car. He had to pull the car over three times on the way home because I was sick to my stomach.
I remember calling my mother screaming. I don’t know what I said to her. And I don’t remember getting home, but I remember lying on my bed feeling empty and inconsolable.
It was dark, and when my eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, through my tears I could see his tears too. My knight in shining armor—crying. I think I fell asleep crying in his arms.
I don’t really remember waking up the next morning. Or maybe I do. Maybe I just remember the way I felt when I woke up. Because I still feel that way sometimes. It’s a feeling I can’t describe to you, and it’s something you wouldn’t understand unless you’ve lost a baby of your own.
January 12, 2009 feels like a lifetime ago. It feels like a bad dream. Sometimes I try to forget, but that would be the easy way out.
If you’ve read this far, you might be wondering by now where is my faith in all this? It is still there. Actually, it is stronger. I want to assure you that I feel held by God. And I am at peace with this more every day. God has brought me to this place in my life for a reason. He wants me here, and I want God receive the Glory for this. I want Him to be blessed by our faith in not giving up on Him—for our complete dependence on HIM. I want Him to receive the Glory when he blesses us with another child one day.
That doesn’t mean there won’t be hard days.
There will still be days that I long to hold my baby. There will always be the questions.
Was it a boy or a girl? What would our baby have looked like?
Would they have Brad’s beautiful brown eyes, or my curly hair?
What kind of personality would they have? Calm like their daddy? Or fanatical like me?
A new neighbor asked me the other day if we had any children. I hesitated, and then said no. But I lied. We do have a baby. We have a baby that we will not get to meet on this side of heaven. We have a baby that we will not get to hold, or watch grow up. But we have a baby that has fulfilled God’s purpose for their life. I know that losing our baby has changed us more that getting to raise him ever would have. We are stronger because of it.
And I’m ok with that.
I don’t remember exactly what he kept saying to me, but I do know I was trying to concentrate on breathing—and putting one foot in front of the other so we could make it to the car. He had to pull the car over three times on the way home because I was sick to my stomach.
I remember calling my mother screaming. I don’t know what I said to her. And I don’t remember getting home, but I remember lying on my bed feeling empty and inconsolable.
It was dark, and when my eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, through my tears I could see his tears too. My knight in shining armor—crying. I think I fell asleep crying in his arms.
I don’t really remember waking up the next morning. Or maybe I do. Maybe I just remember the way I felt when I woke up. Because I still feel that way sometimes. It’s a feeling I can’t describe to you, and it’s something you wouldn’t understand unless you’ve lost a baby of your own.
January 12, 2009 feels like a lifetime ago. It feels like a bad dream. Sometimes I try to forget, but that would be the easy way out.
If you’ve read this far, you might be wondering by now where is my faith in all this? It is still there. Actually, it is stronger. I want to assure you that I feel held by God. And I am at peace with this more every day. God has brought me to this place in my life for a reason. He wants me here, and I want God receive the Glory for this. I want Him to be blessed by our faith in not giving up on Him—for our complete dependence on HIM. I want Him to receive the Glory when he blesses us with another child one day.
That doesn’t mean there won’t be hard days.
There will still be days that I long to hold my baby. There will always be the questions.
Was it a boy or a girl? What would our baby have looked like?
Would they have Brad’s beautiful brown eyes, or my curly hair?
What kind of personality would they have? Calm like their daddy? Or fanatical like me?
A new neighbor asked me the other day if we had any children. I hesitated, and then said no. But I lied. We do have a baby. We have a baby that we will not get to meet on this side of heaven. We have a baby that we will not get to hold, or watch grow up. But we have a baby that has fulfilled God’s purpose for their life. I know that losing our baby has changed us more that getting to raise him ever would have. We are stronger because of it.
And I’m ok with that.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
6 comments:
You are so sweet and so precious. Love you.
My sweet STRONG baby girl. I love you, Mama
God is holding you even when you don't realize. I too know that feeling but then God blessed me with two precious, beautiful daughters. I love you girl, J
I pray for you and Brad and that sweet child every morning. I am very proud of you. Love you!
Libby! I am so glad I found your blog. You may not remember me, but I was Kala Howell, from the youth group at Abner Creek.
I sympathize with your feelings toward/about your children, we are facing infertility. Thank you for writing this. It is good to know there are others "fighting" the good fight for our children. :)
www.kennemorekrew.wordpress.com
You don't know me and I don't know you, but I found your blog because it was on a friend's blog. I am so sorry that you lost your baby. I would not have left a comment, except that I feel very strongly that God is going to bless you with another baby. Continue to be strong and wait on His perfect timing!He will bless and reward your faithfulness in great and mighty ways!
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