What I should have said...

I should have said, "Jaime, I refuse to blog until you come pick up these maternity clothes!" Because they are still displayed on my couch like that picture, waiting for her to come hold out on her end of the deal. Not really, but that makes for a good mental picture doesn't it? In her defense, she was a little scared to come to my land, since I got the swine flu right after my last post.

In reality, I've kinda been avoiding my blog for a while. This happens quite a bit, and I've discovered that I'm not really good at jumping back into this after a few weeks absence. However, I have excellent excuses this time. I've been dealing with some things emotionally, and I honestly I haven't felt like talking about it much. I have started 5 posts in the last 5 weeks, but haven't found the words to finish them.

Like always, there has been plenty going on to blog about. You know us, we really know how to live it up with some excitement. (Did I mention that I had the swine flu?) But honestly, I have been discouraged the last couple of weeks. I hate to use the word depressed, so I am going to choose my words carefully. If you aren't new to the blog (which I am sure all 3 of my readers aren't) then you should know that we are struggling with infertility. Nasty, ugly infertility. And lately, I have started to believe some of the lies of Satan. I have many days where I am discouraged and bitter. For many weeks, I have tried to separate myself from the world, and hide in my own pain, sorrow, and emotions.

But My Savior has really been working on my heart lately. I have always known that there is a reason that we are riding on this roller coaster. I don't always like it, but despite my mood or how well I handle it, I know that God is faithful. I said a long time ago, that I wanted to share our story. Somewhere along the way, I started to make it more about me, and everything that I was going through. I realized recently that this wasn't about me, or even me and Brad. This isn't my story. And the things that have happened over the last year, aren't just stumbling blocks that have gotten in the way of us living the life that we want. They are all a part of the glorious plan that Christ has for us. (Jeremiah 29:11)

While I've been busy trying to hide from life, I realized that I was missing out on it. I am going to try to be more real with you. Because, that is LIFE! I will continue to share His story of our lives, but I hope you won't think less of me when I share about the difficult times as well. I have been hesitant to say:

I cried today.

or

I saw I pregnant woman at the store, and had to turn and walk the other way.

or

She's having a little boy, my heart hurts to hold a little boy that looks like Brad.

Like I said earlier, this is a roller coaster. There are good days and the bad days must come too. In a little while, we are going to pack up the car and head to the mountains. We are meeting my family for the weekend. I am looking forward to some much needed time away. I can't wait to come back refreshed and ready to continue on this journey.

I guess what I should have said was "I'm back!"