Meltdown

You might think less of me after you read this post.

I had a meltdown in Wal-Mart tonight. I hate Wal-Mart. Let me explain. Lately, I've been buying groceries about every three weeks, sometimes I can stretch it a little longer. With our incredibly busy schedules there is hardly more than two nights a week that Brad and I are both home to eat a single meal together. (You can go ahead and start feelin' my pain right now.) Therefore, I rarely cook. Anything. Ever.

We eat way too many meals that can be cooked in a microwave or meals that were picked up from a drive-thru window. So, I'm at Wal-mart picking up the necessities. I am walking up and down the isle getting buggy rage (it's very similar to road rage, only with a buggy). I keep telling myself that I have to go to Wal-Mart because it's the only place that we can afford to buy groceries. And because it's my one-stop-shop. I can get all the medical supplies (yes, we still need them) and extra stuff that we need, too.

If you've ever shopped there, I know you know that feeling. The Wal-Mart meltdown feeling. Where all the muscles in your body start to tense up, and you're convinced that if one more crazy buggy driver almost crashes into you, or someone who hasn't thought about having a shower in the last week reaches their stinkin' arm around you to grab a box of cereal, you might just scream and cry. Yeah, I know you know that feeling.

My meltdown started when I was looking at the olives. Mmmm, olives. I know they aren't a necessity but they caught my eye. I was trying to restrain and use every ounce of will power that I had left not to sit down in the floor and devour that beautiful jar of olives. But people started getting pushy. It was crowded and no one was patient enough to let me stand there and decide on what kind of olives I wanted. I felt the tears stinging at the corner of my eyes. I started to realize that I had only made through a few isles and had too many more to go. I looked in my cart full of boxed dinners (purposely picked out so we could eat them in a hurry), and knew that I wasn't going to make it through this shopping trip. With the exception of grabbing a frozen pizza, I skipped the rest of the frozen section, meat section, and all of the fresh fruits and vegetables.

I waited in line another 35 minutes before I could check out, climbed in my car and burst into a full-fledged meltdown as another driver cut me off and blocked me from pulling out of my parking spot. It was an ugly meltdown.

The funny thing is, the whole time I thought about how I was going to blog about it. My meltdown wasn't the result of just one bad experience at Wal-Mart. It has been a build-up of the last two weeks.

Because y'all, I'm tired.

The last two weeks have been tough. It seems as if this chapter in our lives is still not over. Without writing a novel of the last two weeks, I will tell you that I had to go back to the doctor to receive more injections. Since I lost the baby, my hormone levels have not been dropping like they should, and they started to rise again. I have to go every two weeks to have blood drawn so they can test my levels. It takes the average woman 6 weeks for her levels to return to normal after a miscarriage. It has been over 16 weeks, and mine are still not resolved.

Did I mention that I am tired? I'm tired of having my arm poked so they can draw blood. My right arm has a huge knot in it because I've had my blood drawn six times in the last two weeks. My left arm has a bruise on it because they can't find a good vein in it, and my hand is also bruised because it was the THIRD option to draw blood. I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel pregnant, but I'm not. I'm tired of having constant physical reminders that I lost my baby. I'm tired of eating boxed dinners. I am tired.

So now maybe you will be a little lenient on me because I still haven't posted about my girls weekend? And while I'm making promises of delaying meaningful posts, I want to post about Mother's Day soon too.

As difficult as all of this has been, I know where I find my strength.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will rund and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31